


unsent

by heecheondo (HChnD)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: AND GAY, Angst, But It Is Online, Chanhee-Centric, Drabble, I'm Venting, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Online Friendship, Online Relationship, Online Romance, Pining, Please Forgive me, The Author Regrets Everything, Unrequited Love, be warned tho kids, but it doesn't mean that they date, idk which applies better, lapslock, no beta we die like men, some minor mentions of spicy things but like it's very brief and minor, written by impulse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-10 01:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18650317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HChnD/pseuds/heecheondo
Summary: chanhee stared at the message he had written and rewritten so many times. and didn't hit send.





	unsent

**Author's Note:**

> using my love life as fic material to pretend that i'm not suffering over exactly that irl? more likely than you think!  
> disclamer: i don't know what the timezone difference between seoul and vancouver is and i did try to do some maths to make this fic more accurate but i'm gay and can't do math so. it's whatever

> _i love you.|_

chanhee kept staring at the three words as if it was foreign, the text bar blinking back at him, tempting. challenging him. send me, coward. write more, coward. just tell him everything you feel, coward.

he was a coward. too scared of actually committing, even if at this point it was obvious what he felt, what the other felt, that they both knew what was going on, yet no one would actually make a move. he wasn't sure why kevin hadn't said a thing yet, but he must have his own reasons. just like chanhee had his, too afraid to actually take the initiative himself. wondering, how would they manage? he had a part-time job in korea while the other was a university student back in canada. they had a large number of hours in between them, so many that when he went to bed kevin was waking up. and when it was his turn to sleep, chanhee had to wait awake for a couple of hours until they could talk again. 

they weren't even dating yet and that was already a bother for him. he wanted to talk to him as much as he could, would sleep late and wake up early to talk to him, would wait not so patiently for the conversation to return, signalling that kevin had woken up. his mood felt drastically when they couldn't talk because he just loved talking to him so much... but he had to sleep. and this was just them as friends. he'd die if he couldn't touch and kiss the older as his boyfriend. he was clingy and loved physical contact, but with an ocean in between them, he feared that his clinginess would kill him.

besides, what if kevin wasn't even willing to date someone he couldn't see? he couldn't touch?

chanhee would risk it. he loved him that much that he didn't care that his need of touching him, kissing him, cuddling with him would cause him torture. if it was for him, he'd endure it. but who knows if kevin was even on the same page as his? maybe his playful jokes of loving him full homo was just a joke. they were both queer men, of course they would make fun of how straight men talked to one another. but it could be just that, playful jokes, mocking around with your fellow men-loving-man friend.

friend. they were friends. and he couldn't help but think he'd ruin this friendship they had if he made a move.

> _i love you.|_

it kept staring at him. it was still there, even when the screen darkened a bit and threatened to turn off, until his finger automatically clicked on the screen to light it up again. he sighed. he knew that wasn't just it. he knew there were more words he wanted to write. he had written it before, but he'd never send them. it would always be erased in the end.

> _i love you. god, i love you so much it hurts when you're like that. asleep. peacefully resting, while i still have my work to do, while i'm bored wishing we were talking.|_
> 
> _i love you. god, i love you so much it hurts when you're like that. asleep. peacefully resting, while i still hav|_
> 
> _i love you. god, i love you so much it hur|_
> 
> _i|_

this was stupid. this was not the first time he did this and certainly not the last one. but here was he, writing it, dreaming of it. wondering what his reaction would be. wishing he'd say he didn't love him and that he had gotten all the signals wrong. that they were just bros, friends, mates. not, like. in love with each other.

he brushed the thought off. he knew kevin loved him, or maybe just liked. either way, there was a romantic feeling there. with the many times they talked about how much they l-worded the other, or even when they used all the letters of it. _i love you_. but it'd always be with a bro, or dude, or whatever. sometimes they'd say full homo to the other, or use reaction memes with rainbows and a bunch of hearts to each other. all couple like, really soft. sometimes they'd even joke about banging one another, to which chanhee said he was not a submissive bottom but a switch bottom, and kevin joked about rearranging his guts. it was flirty, and maybe that conversation came back at night, but kevin didn't need to know that.

so, it was obvious that the two of them liked one another. and that they also found each other attractive. the signs were obvious, and there was nothing stopping chanhee from pressing send. 

> _i|_
> 
> _i love you. i love you so much. i want to hold your hand and cuddle with you and play with your hair.|_
> 
> _i love you. i love you so much. i want to hold your hand and cuddle with you and play with your hair. i daydream about you coming to korea, i consider learning english so i can go visit you, i wonder what would it be if we were neighbours and how our relationship would have been if we were just a few steps away.|_

this is stupid, so so stupid, such a waste of time. fuck, he hated himself so much. this wasn't hard. but it felt impossible. why couldn't kevin be a friend he met at school? at work? at a cafe? why couldn't he fall in love with someone from a closer time zone? why him? 

he erased all the message again, the text bar telling him to 'write here your message'. why was he feeling like that, why was he writing and rewriting it while kevin was asleep? he would never send it, because he didn't want to scare him first thing in the morning. but whenever he was awake and made a suggestive comment, implying that they could be a couple, or indirectly asking him what they were, what was the line between their relationship, he'd play dumb or make a joke. brush it off. because he was a coward of making a move, of making this thing something official, something real, something he'll need to be careful of. something he'd need to take responsibility for in case he fuck up. something that, if he fuck up, it can go real bad and ruin what they already had.

he didn't want this. it was what he feared for the most.

because kevin was too important for him.

> _i love you.|_
> 
> _i love you so much, i need to tell you this. but i can't, i shouldn't, i|_
> 
> (22:41) good morning bby

oh. damn. he hadn't noticed that the contact was now online, nor that he was typing down something until it popped up. he froze, the message still incomplete staring at him. he knew kevin could tell he had spent some time typing, but also, he hoped he was asleep and the older had missed it. he once again left his text bar blank, pretending he hadn't spent the last half an hour or so writing on it and never sending it.

he'd rather things to be like that. with his feelings unsent.

> (22:47) good morning love
> 
> (22:47) slept well?
> 
> (22:48) yeah, kinda
> 
> (22:48) i slept too much haha
> 
> (22:48) you're going to bed soon right?
> 
> (22:51) nah, can't sleep
> 
> (22:51) lucky you we can talk some more ;)
> 
> (22:51) you should sleep thooooo
> 
> (22:52) hmmm talk abt your day to me
> 
> (22:52) so you'll eventually fall asleep 
> 
> (22:53) you just woke up and is already kicking me away
> 
> (22:53) just say you hate me and go
> 
> (22:53) chanhee i think we already established that i say that out of worry and love!!!
> 
> (22:54) yeah
> 
> _and i love you too you fucking dumbass|_

he sighed. he will never send that, will he? he'll always be too much of a coward for that, will he?

> _and i love you too you fucking dumbass|_
> 
> _and i love you t|_
> 
> _an|_
> 
> (22:57) i can so sense the love lol

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/heecheondo) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/heecheondo) | [other links/about me](https://heecheondo.carrd.co)


End file.
